“Perceeeeee…”
“Anaaaaaa….”
“Finally you’re here.”
“Blame my ISP. Most pathetic
broadband connection ever.”
“Comcast?”
“No, silly. No Comcast in India.
MTNL, it’s called. Government-run crappy-service-providing ISP.”
“MTNL? What’s that stand for?”
“Mahanagar Telecom Nigam Limited.
Don’t ask what it means now, that’s not even relevant.”
“So they give bad speed? Is that
why you couldn’t get into a call?”
“It’s not the speed so much as the
drops. The connection goes on a walkabout every two minutes.”
“Isn’t there any other service
provider you can go to?”
“Well, most of Mumbai is connected
through their local cable guy. That’s like the Cable Guy from the Jim Carrey
movie, only with deep connections to the local mafia.”
![]() |
If you thought he was scary you should see our cable guy |
“Fascinating. Well, why don’t you
have a connection from the local mafia?”
“I did, a long time ago. It was
overpriced, and connected by a series of long LAN cables. He had put up a hub
on the terrace of our building, and every so often, it would bust and have to
be re-set. Or some rival Mafioso would physically sever his lines and then
there would be connection for days together. When MTNL first came around, it
was actually a slight improvement.”
“And now it’s different?”
“I don’t know. But of late, those
who live in other parts of the city are apparently very pleased with their
cable guy, underworld connections notwithstanding.”
“So why don’t you switch back,
then?”
“Ana, it was one of the first
things I tried to get behind when I got back here. Mostly so I could stay in
touch with you, of course.”
“Of course.”
“So I asked my neighbours for the
Cable Guy’s number.”
“And…? They didn’t have it?”
“Oh they did, all right. But he was
dead.”
“He was what?”
“Dead. Bucket-kicker. Pushing
daisies. Communing with Allah. Or whatever.”
“Oooh his mafia connections coming
home to roost! A hit?”
“Heart attack, is what I was told.
So anyway, my neighbour told me to hang on a few days and then call one of his
minions. The chap had died just the previous day and while his son would
inherit his empire of cables and antennae, it was best to hold off while the
mourning period was in progress.”
“Sounds fair enough. So did you try
again?”
“Yep, I got the number of the guy
who comes to collect the dues. Called him four times. No response.”
“Didn’t he call back?”
“He did, only when he did, I had a dentist’s pincer-cleaver-pointy thing poking
into my throat and couldn’t take the call.”
“Dios mio, I imagine it would have been awkward if you tried.”
“So then I called him again, and
some woman picked up and said he wasn’t there.”
“Probably his mistress.”
“Sounded more like a mother. Anyway
I tried again the next day, and the woman told me, most irritably, that he had
gone to his village.”
“And when will he be back?”
“She cut the phone, rather as
though it were a particularly tasty piece of contraband beef.”
“Is there nothing else you can do?”
“I looked up the name of the cable
company online and found their landline number.”
“Well that must have worked. Why
didn’t you think of it before? Silly Percy!”
“Tsk tsk, hear me out, Ana. I
called and told them my address and said I wanted an Internet connection. The
guy on the line said his company didn’t service my area.”
“What?”
“I said of course he did, and told
him the name of the chap I’d got the number from.”
“I assume that didn’t help either?”
“Nope, he said ‘doesn’t so-and-so
live in the low-income-housing near the bus depot?’ so I said no and asked him
if he knew who serviced my locality and he said he had no clue and hung up, as
though the phone were a high-cost slab of mutton.”
“Percy…”
“Yes, Ana?”
“Do you live in low-income-housing
near the bus depot?”
“No, I do not.”
“’Coz there’s nothing wrong if you
do. I will love you just the same.”
“Ana, I do not live in low-income-housing near the bus depot or railway
station or airport or anywhere else. Well, not yet, anyway.”
“Ok. Also, are you hungry?”
“Yes, no breakfast yet. Why?”
“Just guessing. Maybe the food
references – and you have a hungry look about you.”
“Well, you’re looking practically
edible and I haven’t had breakfast.”
“Let me make my muy feo face. There!”
“Still beautiful.”
“Anyway, since cable guy isn’t
coming through, we are thankful to MTNL for giving us today, aren’t we?”
“Very. And to the Government for
not banning Google hangouts. Yet.”
“Are they likely to ban Google
hangouts?”
“Why not? They found they could ban
a bunch of other sites, so why not this? After all, if it lets me talk to you,
it could let other people talk to their friends and relatives in corrupt
liberal societies, and that never leads to anything good, does it?”
“I suppose it doesn’t.”
“Absolutely not.”
“So what have they banned?”
“Pornography, theoretically to
address the child pornography menace.”
“But Percy, you can’t address the
child porn menace by banning regular porn sites. In any case, the underage
stuff is in the deep web, not on websites…”
“You seem strangely well-informed
on the subject.”
“One of the jobs I tried out for
last year was in the child abuse helpline. As in, anti-child abuse.”
“Yes, I got that you meant anti-…”
“I thought you’d think Colombians
promote abusing children, like India promotes objectification of women.”
“I don’t…and India does no such
thing.”
“What was that song in the movie we
saw together…Lovely?
It had those lyrics that made no sense – I became lovely reading your name or
something.”
“Oh ok, yes, some Hindi movies tend
to promote a certain viewpoint that may not be representative of…why are you
taking off your top?”
“Well, you don’t have access to
porn, as you just said, and I thought…”
“Uh, yes well, we can discuss this
later. It’s morning and Mom could pop into the room any time!”
“Hola mama!”
“She’s not here right now, Ana.”
“Oh ok. What about La Hermana? You have a very beautiful
sister, yes?”
“She doesn’t venture into my room.”
“Ok, ok. Fine. So - what have you
been doing? How’s Bombay?”
“Warm. There’s a drought this year.
Not nearly enough rain.”
“Like California.”
“Worse. How’s Vegas? Where are you
put up?”
“Excalibur.
I’m sharing a room with an Italian girl. She’s nice, you must have seen the
picture of us together I put up.”
![]() |
It's real. It's medieval. And it has a McDonalds. |
“There’s a picture of a bunch of
you posing outside the Mirage.”
![]() |
if it's hot, fiery and explodes every thirty minutes, it must be the Mirage. |
“Yes, yes, Lisa is the one in the
red bikini.”
“I shall…examine the photo closely
later.”
“Yes, with porn being banned and
all, I suppose you will.”
“What. No, that’s not what I…ugh.”
“I, on the other hand, have no such
issues. I met a gorgeous guy, his name is Thadmore.”
“Thadmore? You’re going out with a
guy named Thadmore? Emilio was more acceptable than Thadmore!”
“Don’t say things about Thaddy’s
name. He’s amazing! I will send you a photo. There!”
“He’s still named Thadmore - is that Barstow in the background?”
“Ok, is true. I can’t bring myself
to say his name when we are in bed. So I just say yours instead. And yes, it's Barstow."
“Ah…er…of all the questions this
brings up in my mind, the one I am going to ask is – doesn’t Thadmore mind?”
“He thinks it’s Spanish for ‘dear’.”
“Isn’t that ‘amado’?”
“He doesn’t know.”
“Why don’t you leave him and come
here for a while? We can travel, it’s the season for Valley of Flowers in North
India, and Ranathambhor safari’s and Kerala a bit later…”
“I would. I really would. But I’ve
got engagements lined up for the rest of the year. And it’s gold over love, you
know no matter what the song
says.”
“The Dire
Straits song?”
“Yes, the Dire Straits song. Not
all life-relevant songs are written by that crazy cat lady.”
“That could be considered
offensive, but she’d just Shake
it off.”
“Ok, I’ll get going then. Have to
do a meet-and-greet at Planet Hollywood.”
![]() |
Everyone's a star! Provided you have the $$$$ |
“You mean a smooch-and-mooch.”
“More mooching, less smooching,
hopefully.”
“Say hello to Zoey from the Pleasure
Pit.”
"And Lenka, too."
“Oh, you remember Lenka, do you?"
"Of course I remember Lenka. Didn't she inspire you to dance with her?"
"Ah, good times. I hope she's still there. Now bye, mi hermosa.”
“Have fun, mi bella.”
“When next?”
“When MTNL permits.”
“Glory be to the Lords of MTNL, then.”
“Glory be.”
Translations:
*Dios mio: My God!
*Muy feo: Very ugly
*Hola Mama: Hello, mother!
*La Hermana: Sister
*Amado: Dear / Darling
*Mi hermosa: My lovely
*Mi bella: My beauty
I am not sure if you are getting tired of my saying this, Percy, but you are one talented hombre! As to the story, brilliant, shows a mastery over dialogue that is remarkable. Humor, which tickles the funny bone, makes the smile stay glued to the face.
ReplyDeleteWow Percy! Another mind-blowing convo. I am falling in love with Ana. :p
ReplyDeleteBy the way, your way of handling pornban is good. I like this approach: a subtle reference in between a friendly conversation. Very well-written.
Hahaha! Percy - Mind-blowing stuff. NOW you sure have gone and done it. With THIS sort of thing going on, then Google Hangouts is sure in for a ban :)
ReplyDeletehahaha I know I am stupid too ask this... but is the conversation real??? :D I was laughing my ass off!! omg you have got a knack for humour!! mastery!!
ReplyDeleteOMG! I laughed my head off. You are a Dialogue-Monster. You do it so well, it seems effortless. Wonderfully done and love your sense of humor. Loving these conversations. Do keep them coming. :)
ReplyDeleteCheers n tc.
Usha
The 'Hola mama' bit made me guffaw loud enough for people standing around me on the train to startle.
ReplyDeleteI suppose this piece was long overdue. Ana.... ahem... I mean both Percy and Ana deserve greater presence in front of the audience. Glad you could make it this much fun.