Wednesday 16 March 2016

Percy - Ana Chronicles - XIV: The Politics of Hogwarts and Middle Earth

“Hullo. There you are.”

“Mi Hermosa! You need a shave!”

“I…yes, I’m going to. It’s mighty early in the day you know.”

“It’s very late here.”

“I know. Thanks for staying up. I know you take your sleep time very seriously and all that…”

“Ah no, never can sleep right after sex. You remember that, right?”

“That makes two of us.”

“Yes. Good memories.”

“Fantastic memories.”

“But you’re happy now, aren’t you? She’s a very sweet girl.”

“She is, yes. And you and Big T seem to very happy too.”

“I wish you’d come to Colombia…we could be so happy together.”

“Can’t be done, sweetheart. Do you have the TV on there?”

“Yup yup, T goes out like a light after he’s finished, so I sit up and watch political news.”

“Trump winning again?”

“Trump ruling the world, it seems.”

“How do Colombians feel about Trump?”

“How do you think Colombians feel about Trump?”

“Like you feel about fatty foods. Hate mixed with a morbid fascination.”

“Haha, yes."

"You’ve stayed at his hotel in Vegas?”

“No, I’ve been to the pool though, sponsor event.”

“Will it be harder for you to find work in the States after he comes to power?”

“He’s about shallow enough to make an exemption for someone who looks like me, I think.”

“I dare say any man would make an exception for you.”

“Aww, you say the most wonderful things, los querido. But no, Trump isn’t President yet. What do Indians think about him?”

“I think Indians who support our Prime Minister tend to support Trump. They have some similarities. But there’s probably a spectrum of opinion on both the right and left. Probably not as uniformly anti-Trump as Colombia would be.”

“So Rubio dropped out…”

“That’s the young chap?”

“Yes, Senator from Florida, couldn’t win his own state. I love Florida.”

“Your love for Florida is well-documented in bikini pictures taken there. Miami is the capital of the Fitness industry isn’t it?”

Si. And Kasich won Ohio.”

“That’s the older guy from the Reagan administration?”

“Let me explain what’s happening in terms you will understand.”

“Go ahead.”

“So basically, Harry Potter just withdrew from the race as he could not even win the Gryffindor vote.”

“That’s Rubio, right?”

“Correct. Remus Lupin did win his constituency – the Werewolves, but that’s all he’s won. However he will go on.”

“That’s Kasich.”

“Right. Meanwhile, Draco Malfoy has a theoretical chance to win and is pleading to supporters of Harry and Remus to rally around him. He’s won several strongly religious states but isn’t very popular within the Wizard Party due to very questionable things he has done in the past.”

“Sounds like Ted Cruz all right. What about Trump?”

“I was getting to that. Lord Voldemort continues to march towards the Party nomination.”

“Ah yes, Trump as Lord Voldemort. Fascinating. What about the Democrats? I see Hillary is winning across the board tonight.”

“Yes, after years as a significant force in Middle-Earth politics, Arwen Undomiel finally looks ready to become a leader. She was a highly polarising figure during the Aragorn Presidency, but stood by him when he was caught having an affair with a dark-haired intern from Rohan. Later she fought a spirited campaign against the Samwise Gamgee candidacy but eventually settled into a role as his chief diplomat. And now she’s running again, combating voter fatigue both with her and with the Elven establishment.”

“But she has stiff competition.”

“Yes, old Bilbo Baggins is very popular with young pipe-weed fans, as a Hobbit of his stature ought to be. But his base is often too stoned to actually show up to vote, so it looks like Arwen will carry the day.”

“Thank you, that was quite a political lesson. November will be very interesting. Arwen versus Lord Voldemort. I’m hearing Voldemort will win.”

“We have to remember Arwen has a weapon she hasn’t revealed yet.”

“She has the one ring?”

“What? No, no. I meant Aragorn is still around, she’s kept him on a leash thus far, but once they are in a one-on-one I think Voldemort – I mean Trump – will realise that Aragorn is still a man with a very sharp sword. And don’t forget that Samwise and his wife Rosie will also be able to focus on Voldy as November gets closer. No, it won’t be a walkover for him.”

“Thank you, that was very educational.”

“I’m always glad to be of help. Now what’s with you? I see you’ve been avoiding exercise. You look puffy.”

“Look at the time! I should get along now.”

“Have you been eating right? You seem to have put on quite a bit.”

“I’d love to stay and chat but it’s really too late. See ya! Bye! Adios!”


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