[Ser Pounce-a-lot is a cat who earned his Knighthood defending his dim-witted sister, Cat-a-tonia from a bunch of ruffianly dogs. A feline of rare wit and sharp insight, he often condescends to share his wisdom with his human slave, Percy the Slacker (the man behind this blog). In an ongoing series, Ser Pounce's wisdom shall be presented in the form of conversations between him and his scribe, the aforementioned Percy. Below, is one such...]
SER POUNCE EXPLAINS CURRENT BRITISH POLITICS
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| (c) https://www.instagram.com/yodaandpadme/ |
“Really, Ser Pounce, if you spent less time
glued to the TV and more outside catching mice, you might look less like a
giant ball of fluff and more like an actual cat.”
“Hmph! I’m catching up on world news. Not
watching soap operas like you.”
“I do not…ugh, forget it. So what’s the news,
then?”
“Well, Theresa May has called for a snap election over in the UK.”
“Eh? Do the British have some sort of election
fetish? There was the Scottish Independence referendum in 2014, the general
election in 2015, the #Brexit vote last year, and now this?”
“For once, your satire is not misplaced. It’s
pretty ridiculous, even for humans.”
“How did it come to this, though? UK had
seemed a stable and reasonable country through the madness of the US’s
rightward movement. Even Cameron, though a caddish toff - ”
“Or a toffish cad.”
“Either way works, seemed to at least have a
grip on matters.”
“Well, he was ably assisted by Larry the No.10 Cat, Chief Mouser to the Cabinet, which helped.”
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| Larry, Chief Mouser to the Cabinet, 2011 - present (c) Daily Mail |
“But Larry’s still around. He was among the
few to retain their Cabinet positions when Cameron resigned.”
“Indeed, but under Theresa May, his power has
been significantly curtailed – besides, Larry has had his own problems – the world
of politi-cats is as cutthroat, if not more, than of human politics.”
“That I can well believe.”
“As for how it came to this, for that we would
need to go back in time a bit. Stretch our cat-consciousness into the past. Dig
into the memories of kittens present and past…”
“Ser Pounce…”
“Go beyond the Cameron administration, beyond
even the boring Gordon Brown and the evil Anthony Blair…”
“Ser Pounce…”
“Beyond affable John Major and Margaret Thatcher, both ably assisted by that noblest of bureau-cats, Sir Humphrey…”
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| Sir Humphrey, Chief Mouser to the Cabinet, 1988 - 1998 (c) Petbucket |
“Ser Pounce….”
“Ser Pounce…”
“You were saying something?”
“I have places to go and things to do, you
know, so if you can hurry it up a bit…”
“What places and what things?”
“The kitchen, to get you food.”
“Oh, yes, will cut it short then. You have to
go back to at least the Blair years. The years of sleazy, oily, Teflon-faced,
cat-hating Anthony Charles Lynton Blair…”
“Calm down, Ser Pounce, you’re hissing.”
“And well may I hiss! That warmongering,
fast-talking, George W Bush-loving…”
“Stop swiping your paw at imaginary Tony Blair
and get a move on, will you?”
“As I was saying -”
“Hissing.”
“What was that?”
“Nothing, nevermind.”
“As I was saying, despite his all-round
horrible-ness, Blair presided over a period of economic growth and political
stability. He encouraged immigration, gave considerably autonomy to the Scots,
and laid out a vision of a multi-cultural Britain. In winning three consecutive
elections, he was helped by two factors – his Chancellor of the Exchequer, Gordon
Brown, who presided over this economic boom, and a very incompetent Tory
leadership.”
“Yes, the Tories of the time were singularly
uncharismatic.”
“Even cats – and we are, as you know, staunch
Tories – could not get behind the likes of William Hague. In 2007, Blair
stepped down and Brown became Prime Minister. Unfortunately for him, barely a
year into his term, the economic crisis of 2008 happened, and that hit London
and the UK economy pretty hard.”
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| Gordon Brown |
“I say, doesn’t Gordon look a bit like our
friend Anoniam?”
“Don’t change the topic.”
“Ok, fine.”
“And stop yawning.”
“I’m sorry, do go on…and keep in mind your
chicken is getting cold.”
“Gordon Brown did have the ability to put
anyone to sleep so I don’t blame you, weak human that you are. So with the
economy tanking and given that he had not led an election campaign himself,
Brown came under pressure to call for elections.”
“Cameron played his cards well that time.”
“Yes, he was young, good-looking (for a human)
and took advantage of an undercurrent of resentment among the traditional
Conservative voter against Blair-era open borders and minority appeasement,
though in a very understated, classy way…”
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| David Cameron |
“Like you elitist cats are wont to do.”
“Heh. Right.”
“You seem very smug about your villainy.”
“I’m a cat.”
“It’s hard to forget.”
“Cameron managed to win a large number of
seats, but not an absolute majority. This was unusual for the UK, unlike here,
and meant that the Tories had to cobble a coalition with the Liberal Democrats
and make Nick Clegg, a joke of a politician, his deputy.”
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| Nick Clegg |
“I take it that’s Larry’s take on him?”
“Let us just say that Larry made a habit of
pooping in Clegg’s shoes whenever he visited the Prime Minster.”
“Why am I not surprised?”
“The first Cameron term was generally
successful….”
“I can name a lot of people who disagree.”
“Are any of them cats?”
“No, humans, mostly.”
“Which says all I need to know about their opinions. Anyway, the economy
limped back to a measure of normalcy, and Scotland voted to stay within the UK,
both of which were seen as triumphs for Cameron.”
“Which led into the 2015 elections.”
“This is where it gets murky, and proves what
the poet Burns said.”
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| Robert Burns |
“About mice and men?”
“The
best-laid schemes o' mice an' men
Gang
aft agley,
An'
lea'e us nought but grief an' pain,
For
promis'd joy!”
“I lack your familiarity with Scots, Ser
Pounce.”
“Indeed, your education has been much marred
by your lack of intelligence. In modern English, it goes:
The
best laid schemes of mice and men
Go
often askew,
And
leave us nothing but grief and pain,
For
promised joy!
To make it more plain, Cameron, not being a
cat, and refusing to listen to Larry’s advice on the matter, decided to make up
for the moderate voters he knew he had lost by courting the far right in a
subtle way. Most importantly, he made a campaign promise that the Tories would
hold a #Brexit referendum, if they came back to power.”
“Which struck me as daft, considering he
opposed #Brexit so vehemently later.”
“He did – he simply never thought he would
have to come through on that promise, because he expected he would have to form
a coalition government with the Lib Dems again, and Clegg and his party would
never let it come to a vote.”
“Whoa. But then the Tories did win a majority
on their own…”
“That’s right.”
“And then he had to hold the referendum, or be
considered a liar.”
“That’s right.”
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| The face of Michael Gove, also known as 'The Face you cannot resist punching if you try." |
“And then Michael Gove, Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage went
about the UK telling outright lies about the EU, the economy, and fear-mongering about Syrian refugees.”
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| Two horrible people in one photo |
“That’s right.”
“And then #Brexit won, and he had to resign,
since he couldn’t fairly lead UK through a measure he had opposed so strongly.”
“That’s right.”
“And that gave them Theresa May.”
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| Theresa May |
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| Theresa May, with mild assistance from Photoshop |
“Yes, Theresa May, renowned cat-hater and doppelganger
of the Wicked Witch of the East.”
“That’s’ harsh.”
“We cats have no patience for Tories who don’t
like us. Even harsher on them than on Labour who, of course, are not expected
to know better.”
“Still, she’s in charge. Why the sudden snap
poll?”
“That’s her being the Wicked Witch of…I mean,
being a politician. You see, when Labour lost the 2015 election, they replaced
their leadership wholesale, and brought in Jeremy Corbyn, an old-style
labour-rabblerouser.”
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| Jeremy Corbyn |
“In your opinion, that is.”
“Hey, the cap fits...but in any case, he's not the most likeable politician, even by British standards. Worse, he’s seen as being
as near commie as one can get without actually being commie, so moderates have
tended to drift away from Labour since 2015. It did not help his popularity
with non-Tories who opposed #Brexit that he was quite silent during the
campaign. So now, Tories are leading opinion polls by a 20-point margin.”
“Ah. And Theresa May saw an opportunity to
bury Labour deep.”
“Yes, and also consolidate her hold on power
till 2022. In normal circumstances she’d have to go up for re-election in 2020,
when UK would have been suffering from the bad effects of #Brexit.”
“While she can hope that by 2022 the economic
cycle might turn in their favour again?”
“That’s right.”
“That’s…terribly cynical.”
“Yes, even Larry and Palmerston are not
pleased.”
“Yes, it’s a methodology problem. The
pollsters do not survey household cats.”
“They only survey households? How silly of
them.”
“Absolutely.”
“Though cats don’t actually vote.”
“Shows how little you know. We influence the
outcome through the mild telepathic control we exercise over our humans.”
“I didn’t know you exercise…”
“…”
“So which way are the cats going to push the
vote?”
“We don’t know. It’s messy. Very messy. Some
cats are tempted to vote Labour just to make a point. Others are contemplating
voting Lib Dem though it feels like a wasted vote. Scottish cats will, of
course, vote for Sturgeon.”
“They will vote for the fish they want to eat?”
“Nicola Sturgeon, leader of the Scottish
National Party.”
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| Nicola Sturgeon (not an actual sturgeon) |
“I stand duly chastened.”
“Well, don’t stand, go get me that chicken.”
“Yes yes, now if you’ll just switch to IPL…”
“Go away, I need some time to think.”
“Yes, but…IPL…”
“The future of politi-cats in UK is in the
balance and you think of IPL?”
“I’m sorry, Ser Pounce.”
“We are on the brink of serial political disasters
that could leave the world on the brink of collapse. Now go get that food-bowl.”
“I’m going, I’m going, but aren’t you laying
it on a bit thick?”
“I’m not. Three words – Trump, Modi and Erdogan.
Now go lay a thick layer of chicken on that bowl.”
“Ruddy fat spherical cat…”
