Percy - Ana Chronicles - X: Why I don't get to watch much TV

“What are you doing, Percy?”

“Watching TV.”

“Ok ok, don’t let me disturb you….oh, that’s nice!”

“What is?”

“Sandra got engaged.”

“Sandra?”

“Don’t you remember Sandra?”

“Should I remember Sandra?”

“We met her in Vegas, we even had dinner with her!”

“Oh wait – the Dutch girl?”

“YES!”

“We had dinner with her and a guy named…Mike?”

“That’s right. He took the photographs.”

“Ah yes, you never showed me them.”

“Here’s one.”

“Wow.”

“Isn’t it?”

“Yes, I mean you and Sandra…I mean, this is completely…”

“Isn’t it?”

“I mean, wow. Those are very…umm…enticing.”

“Is hers better than mine?”

“Of course not!”

“You don’t have to be diplomatic. Sandra’s ass IS amazing.”

“So is yours.”

“You’ve just seen mine more often.”

“Fine, you both have absolutely legendary butts. Now stop doing that whole pitting women against each other thing that feminists advise against and let me watch the telly.”

“Ok…oh, that’s interesting!”

“What is?”

“She’s marrying Travis Chavez.”

“Should I know him?”

“No, I guess you wouldn’t. He’s one of us though. Runs a fitness training company with her.”

“Well, they seem well-matched. Good for her.”

“Yes…except, I suspect he’s using steroids.”

“Oh! That’s awful. Is it very common in your industry?”

“More with the men than the women. But yes.”

“Do you think she knows?”

“I don’t know.”

“Hmm. Not that you can do anything, right?”

“Nah. Don’t really know her that well.”

“Isn’t it really rather bad for you in the long run though – that sort of thing?”

“Terrible. In bed too.”

“Ok, that I was not aware of. Shouldn’t steroids – well I assume men pump testosterone – help rather than hinder?”

“No, no, makes the things – the what-do-you-call-them? – the hanging thing…”

“Uh yes, I got the picture. I mean not the ‘picture’ picture, I mean I got what you’re referring to. Now can you move a bit, I can’t see the screen.”

“Well of course you’ve got what I’m referring to, if you did not have it, you’d be a eunuch. And that would make ME rather…stupid. And unfortunate. And dissatisfied.”

“Moving on…and a little to the side, if you could…you’re thin, but you still do block the TV.”

“Yes, so, as I was saying, prolonged steroid use can shrink ‘em. Make ‘em look like little itsy-bitsy grapes. Or peanuts. Make them look like shrivelled….”

“Once again, Ana, you’ve painted a very lucid picture. Now if you can just…”

“Of course. I have had first-hand experience of these side-effects, you know. There was Fernando back in Bogota, and Darrin, and Pedro…”

“Don’t need to know.”

“I’m just clarifying.”

“No, really. I’m sure you’ve seen your fair share, but I was watching that show, and…”

“I used to take off my glasses when working out. Sometimes I walked into the wrong shower room afterwards. They were on the same side of the corridor, El Hombres and La Mujer.”

“So, no glasses, but you saw the…umm…shrunken peanuts?”

“When the men screamed on me entering, I used to remember and wear my glasses, you see.”

“I think you’re the one who saw.”

“I suppose Sandra hasn’t seen Travis’. Or she’d know. Oh, here’s a photo of Sandra with her dog.”

“That’s a big dog.”

“Yes, his name is Robin.”

“Van Persie?”

“I don’t think the dog has a last name, really.”

“I was just…I mean, she’s Dutch, and they like their football, and…never mind.”

“Though she must have seen, I mean she’s marrying him after all.”

“Maybe he just isn’t using steroids, you know.”

“Hah! Yes, he isn’t using and her breasts are natural.”

“You mean they aren’t?”

“Nope.”

“Do you think he knows?”

“Yes, Percy. It’s quite common in our industry too. More with the women than the men.”

“I…was not confused on that particular point, I assure you.”

“How do I know what you’ll get confused about. You thought I was single!”

“Can we just…I mean, you never mentioned…”

“I mean come on, look at me. What were the chances!”

“How was I to…”

“Latina in early twenties with una cuerpo like this…”

“Stop posing. I’m trying to watch TV.”

“Do you think my ass looks better when I lift my heel like this, or when I stand straight like this?”

“Ana, your ass…is, well, terribly enticing, I mean, whichever way you stand.”

“Maybe if I take off my shorts you’ll be able to tell.”

“Right, good idea.”

“And my shoulders? Flex this way or flex that way. This…or that?”

“It’s all good.”

“Take off my shirt too maybe?”

“Uh, sure. I’ll just…pull these curtains, and…”

“Or we could just go the bedroom.”

“I suppose that does make sense.”

“Much better than watching TV.”

“Much.”